im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
