are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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