I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
