I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I am available for nakedness
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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