You just made me feel so damn special
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
