Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
