You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
