flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
