They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
