I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
