I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
