I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
