well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
