Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
