The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
