WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
