Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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