and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
