Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
