Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
