I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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