why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
