she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
