so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
