I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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