8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
