Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
