Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
