apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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