my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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