I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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