I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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