Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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