At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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