Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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