i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
