That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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