Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
