I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
