it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
