I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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