I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
