Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
do nipples grow back?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
