last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
