I feel great
I just peed on a car
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
