My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
