Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
