Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
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