i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
