i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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